If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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