My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
