While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
my poor anus
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Randomize
