how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
