How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Randomize
