If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
