You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Randomize
