in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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