I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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