Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Randomize