I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
