I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Randomize
