life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Randomize
