also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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