Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
