hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Randomize
