why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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