I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
