having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
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