so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
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i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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