Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
