I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
