woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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