My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I checked into jail on foursquare
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
