apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
