The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
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