My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
