I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
