Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize
