I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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