I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
