ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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