If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
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