Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
