dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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