I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
