So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
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I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
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Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
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