My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I wish there were birth control emojis
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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