i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
