What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Randomize
