Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
