hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
