I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
