My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
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When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
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Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
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