Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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