Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
