you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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