I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
