I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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