I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
