I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
