I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
