Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
