Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Randomize
