I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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