You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
