did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
