im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Randomize
