Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
