i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
