What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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