I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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